Confidential Poll Reveals Top Ten Wishes for 2011

1. THAT AN INDEPENDENT RISK-ASSESSMENT BODY BE ESTABLISHED TO REVIEW PENDING LEGISLATION [87.9 % approval]

Our ever-alert congressmen are good at wagging their forefingers at miscreants who have abused our laws and, in the process, have reaped millions of ill-gotten gains at taxpayer expense.  Unfortunately, these same congressmen are not nearly as good at crafting laws that anticipate fraud and spare us the expense to begin with.  Time after time our well-intentioned, but incorrigibly naive, representatives have cobbled together legislation with no forethought whatsoever as to its impact other than its effect on their reelection chances.  Consider for a moment the outrageous cost we have been stuck with from just three of their endeavors.  Perhaps first prize should go to the creation of those two notorious money shredders, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.  Any unbiased assessment of the mortgage crisis would have to point to these agencies among its primary causes.  Second prize might well go to congress’ passage of a Medicare bill that has invited every crook in the country to effortlessly enrich himself -to the tune of billions of dollars annually -simply by filing reams of fraudulent claims.  And third prize goes to the student loan program that has had the perverse effect of bloating the cost of higher education and burdening college students with unconscionable debt much of which will end up in default.

As its very first undertaking, the next session of Congress should set up a risk-assessment division to review the possible negative consequences of every proposed statute and, when necessary, return the bill for necessary repairs.

 

2. THAT EVERY STATUTE AND REGULATION PROMULGATED DURING THE FIRST TWO YEARS OF THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION BE RESCINDED [85.4% approval]

No commentary necessary.

 

3. THAT THE U.S. RESIGN FROM ITS SELF-APPOINTED POSITION OF PROTECTOR OF THE FREE WORLD [76.5 % approval]

If the Taliban think they can govern the ungovernable country of Afghanistan let them have a go at it.  We ought to be happy that anyone wants the job.  There is no question but that the Taliban is repressive, nevertheless, the Afghan populace as a whole might well be better off living in peace under it than living under a regimen of unending conflicts that our presence inspires.  Whether this is the case or not, the question of our departure is essentially mute; we have to leave the country because we can’t afford to stay.

Given the divisions within the Taliban cause, its inherently self-defeating policies, and its core irrationalism, it seems doubtful that it could stay in control very long should we leave.  I could well imagine its being driven  to distraction by the clash of its fourteenth century culture with that of the natives’ tenth, fleeing from the place, and finding a more malleable population to inflict its misery upon.

 

4. THAT GOVERNMENT OF THE LAWYERS, BY THE LAWYERS, AND FOR THE LAWYERS PERISH FROM THE EARTH [74.9 % approval]

For starters, let’s do away with class-action suits and make plaintiffs pay court costs when they lose.  Then let’s see to it that the word “bar” be extended to mean that anyone ascending to its status be automatically “barred” from holding public office on the grounds of the profession’s unflagging record of ethical lapses.

 

5. THAT THE TEACHERS’ UNIONS BE DISBANDED, THEIR LEADERSHIP INCARCERATED AND CHARGED WITH SEDITION [72.7% approval]

When, and if, this world survives long enough for impartial historians to record the foibles of our time, they will surely be incredulous that, for decades, the population of the United States allowed a handful of willful, self-centered, power-hungry union potentates to systematically destruct the country’s educational system.  How, these future scholars will wonder, did we let those merchants of mendacity get away with it for so long when the evidence was there for all to see: the rising drop-out rates; the falling test scores; the complaints of universities and businesses alike as to the functional illiteracy and mathematical numbness of high school graduates; the introduction of experimental, and patently stupid, teaching methods; the shuffling of students to more centralized high schools for greater efficiency; the retreat from those same schools when they proved unworkable; the ungovernable inner-city schools; the futility of bussing and second-language programs; the desertion of industries from the U.S. in search of better trained work forces -all accompanied, of course, by constant demands for greater expeditures in the name of our “sacred children’s education.”

Now that we are beginning to recognize the damage our educators have done to the country, I would think their arrest and subsequent trial is only a matter of time.  No doubt the accused will claim their intentions were honorable which will open wide the door for the prosecutor’s rebuttal.  To seal his case, he need only cite the ferocity with which the educators fought off every attempt at reform be it school vouchers, charter schools, the firing of incapable teachers, the introduction of well-qualified teachers lacking teacher certification, and so on.  I am confident that the outcome of such trials will be a foregone conclusion: the leadership guilty of sedition against the citizenry of the United States and underlings guilty of flagrant child abuse.  I’m content to leave the sentencing in the hands of the judicial system but if hanging were temporarily reinstated on account of the heinousness of their crimes, I would offer no objection.

 

6. THAT  THE IDIOTIC REGULATION REQUIRING FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS TO SEND OUT NOTIFICATION OF THEIR PRIVACY POLICIES BE RETRACTED FORTHWITH. [71.2% approval]

Let’s put an end to this unstoppable blizzard of unreadable and unread, thoroughly meaningless paperwork.  By the same token, we need a law that would declare any boilerplate null and void that cannot, in 12-point or larger font, fit on one page and/or is incomprehensible to an average seventh grader.

 

7. THAT ISLAM GET ITS ACT TOGETHER [69.4% approval]

Our law-abiding, honorable Muslim fellow U.S. citizens take umbrage whenever they feel themselves tainted by the crimes of extremists with whom they have no connection other than their common religion.  One can see their point, of course, but I would respectfully ask them to see mine.  I would ask them to imagine their reaction if some rogue branch of the Jesuits, say, declared themselves implacably hostile to all Muslims and embraced violence as the sole means of expressing their displeasure.  Among their activities would be tossing hand grenades willy-nilly into mosques; restoring traditional nuns’ habits so as to conceal explosives strapped to hapless female suicide bombers; driving car bombs into crowds of Muslims wherever they are found with the express stated purpose of killing as many men, women, and children as possible; setting up schools to provide a continuous supply of brainwashed Jesuit conscripts; and plotting to destroy the very cultural fabric of Muslim civilization by whatever mass weaponry they could get their hands on-each attempt at such bloody objectives celebrated by screams of “Jesus Saves.”  Then I would ask my Muslim friends to further imagine that on every such demonic demonstration the Pope would denounce the violence, remind everyone how small the Jesuit bands were compared to the mass of peaceable Catholics, and plead for tolerance of the innocent majority.  Would not some Muslim–perhaps a blinded, one-armed victim of a Jesuit attack–want to tap the Pope on the shoulder and remind him that his pious denunciations were woefully inadequate?  That, whether he willed it or no, these crazed Jesuits were part of his flock and, as such, were his responsibility to control.  That his failure to act made all Catholics accessories to the crimes being committed in their name.  That the Catholic church was in the best position to put an end to the madness, had the means to do so, and lacked only the will.  That standing aside and letting the rest  of the world try to clean up its mess was cowardly, hypocritical, and, some would say, damnable.

I urge my Muslim friends to stiffen their backbone, assume their responsibility, lock up their crazed co-religionists, throw away the key, and, as the good book instructs, become their brothers’ keeper.

 

8. THAT WE PUT AN IMMEDIATE END TO GOVERNMENT DEFICITS [66.4% approval]

So far, every deficit-reduction proposal has as its goal a reduction of “x” percent at the end of “y” years.  Not exactly the kind of rhetoric that’s likely to stir the emotions of your average red-blooded American.  Why would any sane citizen expect an already discredited government to fulfill a distant pledge when every past official projection has proven wrong by factors ranging from single to double digits?

Paradoxically, the so-called politically-possible reforms prove impossible when subject to long debate and timid incrementalism.  Whereas, bold so-called unpalatable measures  with clearly-stated, shorterm goals have at least a fighting chance of being turned into a surprisingly popular crusade.  So I say zero deficit in zero time and charge ahead come hell or high water.

 

9. THAT WE PARE OUR NATIONAL OVERHEAD (AKA “GOVERNMENT”) TO A MINIMUM [64.1% approval]

I suggest we arbitrarily pluck some shopkeeper from the main street of one of our small towns and ask him to address a joint session of Congress on the necessity for a going business to keep overhead down.  Were he to become careless and allow his fixed costs to balloon say 2% more than his competitors, his selling prices would be pushed higher, his customers drift away, and his bankruptcy made only a matter of time.

Presumably upon hearing this nonpartisan  presentation by an experienced, knowledgeable businessman, our representatives would finally grasp the fact that the expense of a bloated government was just as surely a threat to our ability to compete overseas as a bloated overhead would have threatened the shopkeeper’s ability to compete down the street.  In short, what is good for the American Federation of Government Employees is bad for America.

 

10. THAT  BILLBOARDS ALONG OUR HIGHWAYS NO LONGER BE ALLOWED TO DEFACE OUR LANDSCAPES [60.0% approval]

It is true that billboards convey information some of which is truly useful to the traveler.  For example, let’s say the occupants of an automobile have decided to lunch down the road in Townville and are, therefore, keeping a sharp eye out for a billboard that will instruct their luncheon destination.  And, sure enough, they spot one that promises to satisfy their requirements, and, obedient to its directions, find the advertised establishment, and enjoy their meal thanks in part to the helpful roadside sign.  Another success story for the billboard industry.

Well, let’s say partial success.  The cost to our tourists for the information they desired was their requisite vigilance over a half-hour’s time during which they were forced to reject fifty billboards conveying information that was useless to them meanwhile having to endure the scenic blight caused by those selfsame signs. Moreover, the information they did get was fleeting.  Left in doubt by their hurried glance as they speeded past was whether they should  exit at 450A or 450B and then turn left or right?  Was their child’s fare to be free or half-priced?

What if, instead, our tourists could have enjoyed a billboard-free vista on their trip and then, on their approach to Townville, pulled into a parking area where one discrete sign listed the frequencies on which local restaurants, hotels, service stations, and other businesses advertised and another sign, a similar listing of websites?  Tuning in the appropriate station on their car radio or clicking on their smartphones, they would have heard and/or seen all the information they needed in a more detailed, more useful form.

Had our tourists been foreigners, would they not have been pleased with the disappearance of the antiquated billboards marring their last visit and delighted that the commercials were available in their own tongue?

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The above popularity ratings are given for the sake of verisimilitude only.  From my standpoint, the order in which these wishes are fulfilled is immaterial.  My only concern is that the appropriate institutions take heed and initiate whatever action is called for, so that this time next year I can say with genuine conviction, Happy New Year!